A choice within the heart

It has become increasingly clear to me that love is a choice of the heart rather than a feeling of the heart. We won’t always find it easy to love people, whether this is friends, family or spouse. There are times that test our love and commitment, and times which are extremely difficult. There may be times when disagreements occur and we don’t feel in love with the other anymore, maybe we feel hurt, or deflated, or maybe we have built those barriers up again. There may be times when the other is irritating us, when we feel unappreciated and frustrated. It is easy in these times to give up and claim we have fallen out of love, ‘love just left the relationship’ you say, but what you are really saying here is that you chose not to fight, chose to give in, weren’t willing to put the effort in. Here it becomes clear we love ourselves too much to love the other person, we value ourselves and our pride to highly to lower our boundaries, make the sacrifice and open our heart. It is here that we are faced with a choice, a choice that determines the rest of our lives; will we choose loving words, loving actions and loving smiles in those difficult times? Or will we choose superficial love? The kind that does not last, that is not true and does not posses the traits in 1 Corinthians 13, the kind of love no one will fight for.
I believe this is a message needed today, especially to be told to us young girls. So many of us (like myself) have grown up on fairy tales and chick flick movies, these may seem lovely but what they do not explain is what happens in those hard times. They make love seem easy, as though that ‘in love feeling’ lasts forever, as though you and he posses no flaws and will live in harmony for eternity. And if the love does run out they tell us not to fight, to put ourselves above the other and get out while we can. But the message I want to share with young ladies is that this beautiful love we all desire can last eternally but it comes at a price – we must make the choice to allow it to survive and fight when times are rough.

written: 28.11.10

Love is a choice;
You have to choose to open up your heart and allow somebody in,
It’s not that feeling deep within, that warm and fuzzy ‘love’
It’s not that longing for another or a dizzy headed whim,
It’s not a compulsion or uncontrollable desire you just much act upon,
That snug tight hold of someone warm is not what it’s about,
No.
Love is a choice made within.

That glance at you across the room – the one that makes you tingle,
The interlocking of your hands or stroke against your cheek,
The way he makes the corners of your mouth turn up and a giggle just escapes,
This my dear is not love,
For love it is a choice.

It’s the choice you make as you awake to love and not to scald,
Its being able to hold his hand after ‘that’ feeling has gone,
It’s choosing to belong to him when someone else looks your way,
Its managing to say no when you want more but the time is not right,
It’s serving his needs despite your own when exhaustion overwhelms,
It’s choosing love above all else and never letting go.

This is a choice that we must make - a choice beyond compare,
Perhaps the hardest of them all,
But the proudest I could wear.

called by name

October 2010
I wrote this in response to the teaching of Nancy at the above rubies southern retreat.

You have called me by name;
for your divine purpose,
sealed by your grace,
bought by your victory.

You have called me by name;
for a greater destiny,
for something higher,
led into eternity.

You have called me by name;
moulded for such a time as this,
crafted by your hands,
held in your embrace.

oh my Lord, grant this I plead;
that I may have confidence of this all the days of my life,
that I may shine as a beacon before men,
that I may be convicted by your word and gifted by your spirit,
Oh Lord, that I may be a pillar of the home and a crown to my husband,
that i may be a servant to my family,
an encourager to this household,
that I may repent of my sin,
and rejoice in my divine calling.

Still small voice

04.10.10

In the Wind I am not,
In the earthquake I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

In anger I am not,
In thunder I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

In religion I am not,
In Busyness I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

In the graveyard I am not,
In material possession I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

In prosperity I am not,
In power I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

In earthly pleasures I am not,
In hard work I am not,
I am found in the still small voice.

When all is quiet and all is still,
When all is calm and attentive,
Here I speak.

I whisper into the still, silent heart,
The heart that is ready to receive my wisdom.

I am found in the still small voice.

I am so thankful to God because he has given me back one of my greatest loves. For 6 months I have had no voice and no ability to sing, but now I am blessed because a song has returned to my voice. My speech therapist discovered that even though I cannot talk right now miraculously I can sing. God has taken my speaking, he has taken my job but he has left me my singing, my ability to worship through song. My God promised he would return my song to me and he has kept his promise; so I rejoice. After not singing for 6 months I am able to sing with the congregation, praise God! Now it is my responsibility to ensure I offer my voice as a sacrifice to God, he has given me a gift and all glory must be given to Him.

written: 27.09.10

You are a God of hope,
A God of certainty,
A God of promise,
You Lord have blessed me beyond comprehension.
Your have kept your word to me.
What a gift I have found in your promise,
A radiant beauty in your grace.

I rejoice over you my Lord for you have placed a song in my heart and a melody on my lips.
You Lord have restored my gift,
Renewed my voice,
Strengthened my worship.

You Lord hold all in your mighty hands,
You paint my future with your meticulous eye,
You guide me with your everlasting light.
In times of trouble you are my strength,
In danger you are my refuge,
In brokenness you are my healing.

My Lord,
My God,
My Saviour.
Your resurrection power has lifted me,
Has gifted me,
Has blessed me beyond all human knowledge.

My Lord,
My God,
My Saviour,
May my voice be a sacrifice of praise to you alone,
Take my song,
Accept my offering,
Let it be for you alone.

For you.
In you.
And by you.
Belonging to you.

heaven's gift

Written for the dear lady next door who lifted my sisters and I over the fence and took care of us.

03.09.2010

The melodic singing of angels resonates in my ear,
Here every joy I felt on earth is infinitely intensified and eternally present,
The grass is greener, the sky is clearer and the flowers stand with pride as I gaze at their immeasurable beauty,
The air is filled with a hopefulness I cannot explain and the grace which is so sparse on earth is ever flowing.

Here in this place nothing concerns me for I am loved like never before,
Here I experience freedom none of humanity can ever bestow,
I have never felt a peace quite like this,
My sprit is light and my body is new,
My face is aglow with awe and wonder,
And my eyes reflect the joy in my heart.

Do not get me wrong,
My life has been wonderful,
The people I’ve loved,
The things I’ve seen
The happiness I’ve felt,
These are memories I hold so dear,
But this, this is like nothing I’ve ever known,
This I cannot describe even to those who know me best,
This is beyond comprehension,
This is a gift given from the kindest of hearts to the humblest of men.

i do not understand

This I wrote after a long conversation with a friend who asked a question we all struggle with at times. If God exists and loves us as much as people say he does, then how is there so much evil in the world and why does he allow natural disasters to occur? I cannot pretend to know the answer to this question I’m sure that only God himself knows this. But I do know that God works in so many ways we do not see and cannot understand, God knows the bigger picture and knows how to reach his goal. He does not ask us to understand all that happens, he does ask us to be content with the evil in the world but he does ask us to trust him because only he knows the master plan and how to make it come about.

written: 22.08.2010

I do not understand your ways oh Lord,
Your Father heart I cannot comprehend.

I do not know why the child is alone Lord or why the mother weeps for her babe.
I do not know why his father left, or why he never calls.
I know not why he pulled the trigger or how she could steal the life of her child.
I’ll never understand the corruption in government or why I have everything and they have nothing.
I cannot know why the volcano erupted or why the sea devoured the earth.
I cannot fathom why they made a bomb or why we went to war.
I know not why she is old and sick or whey he can no longer walk.


I know none of your ways my Lord,
Why you allow such pain.
But what I know for certain is that your plan is good,
Is hopeful,
Is true.
I know you see the entire puzzle whilst I see just one piece.
You know the entire universe whilst I do not know half of the world in which I live.
You protect us from evilness we do not even know exists.

I do not know your path oh Lord,
I know not where you have been,
I cannot see all you have done or hear all that you say.
I do not understand how this all works together or why it had to happen this way.
But what I understand least of all is how you could trust us with your precious creation knowing we would mess it up.

I understand not your ways oh Lord,
But I know that you are good and you hold it all in the palm of your hands.
I know that my faith is in you oh Lord,
My hope is in He who is greater than I,
Because I know not the future,
I know not how things work or what is happening within the universe,
But you Lord see all of creation,
You know where we are, where we’ve been and where we are headed.
Only you Lord know how and why it all works so incredibly.

What if God does?

This was another of those poems which I had floating around my head for months before I could write it. On holiday one August I met a girl who reminded me of all the young girls I work with, she reminded me of the fears that we women hold deep within our soul. Following the holiday I attempted to write this poem but I just couldn’t get it right. Once again I sat with a small group of Godly girls who poured out the fears of their heart, all asking ‘What if God doesn’t give me the things I so desperately hope for?’ In my heart I kept asking ‘But what if He does?’ I couldn’t find the words to express these feelings at the time, but just a few days later on a windy November morning the words stumbled out of my heart and into this poem.

I pray that the themes you see in this poem, the themes that have invaded my heart for so long and the battle I myself fight daily will be something the reader will strive for in their own lives. I know the fears we girls hide away but I am certain God has bigger plans for us, we have a habit of settling for second best, of not realising how much we are worth and this is such an injustice! Proverbs 31 tells us that we are far more precious than rubies. I truly believe that when we see ourselves through Gods eyes, if we learn to respect ourselves, then we unleash more greatness and blessings on our life than we can even imagine. This is so hard for us to understand Sometimes. I believe it’s a battle we face each and every day, satan’s job is to steal kill and destroy an he does it daily by stripping women of their dignity and their hope. Daily we must denounce satan, unchain the hold he has on our hearts and open ourselves to receive the blessing that can only come from God.
May you receive his peace, his blessings and his love.

written: 14.11.09

We’re surrounded by questions,
Questions pulsating from a fearful heart,
Questions embedded so deep they leave a scare as they vault from the trembling soul,
Questions which cause the mind to stumble and the body to shudder,
Questions that blur the future and drive a girl crazy with anxiety.

What if God doesn’t release my dreams?
What if I never reach my potential?
What if God doesn’t forgive me?
What if my prince never shows up?

What if I’m wasting my life on dreams so far in the distance I can barely see them?

What if God doesn’t exist?

But sometimes I wonder…
how the world would change, if people ceased to ask
‘what if God doesn’t?’
and began to ask ‘what if he does?’

What if life is beautiful?
What if God does give you the true desires of your heart?
What if God does want to bless you?
What if your prince is just waiting to be told when?

What if the reason you can’t see your dreams in the distance is because God has bigger and better dreams he’s just waiting to bless you with?

If we could only choose to ask these questions instead,
If we could fight the temptation to limit ourselves,
If we could encourage one another to strive for life in all its fullness
And support each other when times are hard.

What a difference we’d see!

The world would be filled with women striving for greatness,
Women who don’t settle for second best,
Women who shine the love of God with every footstep they take,
Women who inspire others to reach for their God given potential,
Women more beautiful than words can describe,
Women worth far more than rubies.

Please don't close your heart to me

I wrote this at the launch of our church year of reconcilliation. We felt God calling us to embark in this year, to heal relationships with God and one another, to forgive those who have hurt us (including ourselves) and to rebuild unity. We launched the year with a weekend of prayer where we held a mulititude of prayer meetings in mabny different forms, one of these events was a meditation lead by Phil, this was a wodnerful time of prayer and a common line he used was 'but please dont close your heart to me'. This line spoke to me, i felt there was something important in this phrase and later that evening i sat in prayer writing this poem. This is one i havent yet shared with anyone although i maybe should have, its written for my church showing how unforgiveness only creates a blockage between us and God, it does not hurt those who have hurt us, it simply makes our life harder to live, we must let go and chose to forgive otherwise our heart is slowly closed off to God with all the barriers we have put up.

Written: 24.01.2010

Don’t close your heart to me

They may have abused you, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.
The may have hurt you, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.
They may have stolen your youth, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.
They may have attacked your spirit and damaged your soul, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.
They may have lied to you, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.
They may have made you weary, I know my child, but please don’t close your heart to me.

Listen my child,
rest in me,
allow me to heal your heart,
allow my touch to renew you.

I know your fears my child, but please don’t run away from me.
I know your weak my child, but please hold on a little longer.
I know your desperate my child, but let me be your hope.
Keep the faith my child, for it is faith that will bring you through.
All things are possible through me my child, and all things work for my gain.

Forgive the past my child, do not let it consume you any longer.
Don’t let them control your thoughts my child, fix your eyes on me.
Think about what is righteous my child; this shall be your guide.

The hurt will linger child, but let the wound be evidence of your growth,
A reminder of my redeeming works my child,
The works that healed you,
the words that soothed you,
the love that warmed you.

Listen my child, the time for forgiveness is here.
The time for unity is upon us.
Turn from your wicked ways and hear my heart for you.

I know its hard my child,
but please, don’t close your heart to me.

In heaven we shall meet once more

This poem was written for a friend as she prepared to move to Syria with her young family, we had only know them a short while but God was moving them on to other places and adventures. There have been many times in my life when I meet someone, we become friends and then for whatever reason we must part, I know that I may never see these people again on earth but have complete assurance that I will see them some day in heaven. I love having this knowledge, it means that as long as we share a common faith no goodbye is ever really goodbye and someday we shall stand in eternity before the King.

written: 08.07.2009

Sometimes God brings people into our lives only for a season,
We laugh with them, we become friends and God shows us something of himself in each person,
We connect because our hearts are connected through one greater than ourselves.

But then God takes them away.

We dislike when He does this,
We wonder how God can cause someone to touch our lives so tenderly and then disappear forever,
But there is one comfort we hold in our heart;
The knowledge of eternity.

We have the full assurance that someday we will meet in Heaven,
Because of our faith in our Lord Jesus Christ we stand firm in this;
That all those people we ever cared for and share our faith with will stand by us in glory,
We shall bow before the King beside those we hold in our heart,
Though the seasons apart may feel long and weary the season of tomorrow will last forever.

So we say goodbye to those we hold knowing that this season may be hard,
But we look forward to the coming times where our King alone shall reign,
Where love and hope are above all and compassion never fails,
In those days we shall not hurt, we shall not fear or cry,
And in those days, we once again shall meet those people who touched our lives if only for a season.

We say goodbye knowing not what will come,
But knowing there is a bigger plan,
And knowing we may say to each other - in heaven we shall meet once more.

My Gift

During midday prayers at Taize God revealed to me why i have had no voice for the last 4 months. Each time we met for prayers i prayed that if God wanted to heal me my heart would be open to receive his healing, but now God showed me he didnt want to give me back the same voice i lost. After meeting Nancy Campbell probably two years ago i was struck with how some women are so gentle and nurturing that their mere presence calms you down and their voice is so gentle that it instantly sooths you and makes you feel safe. As a result of this i had been praying for a long time that i would become a more gentle woman. A while ago i read that her daughter Evangeline controls her chidlren with a whisper rather than a shout, as a family worker and a mother in training this challenged me. It suddenly struck me that God was answering my prayer and teaching me to be more gentle by forcing me to talk less and to use a very quiet, slow voice. I wrote this poem in response to what God showed me and as i did he showed me a very precious picture, the Father's hands cupped over a glowing light, he told me that when the pain eventually leaves my throat and the strength returns, it will not be the same voice as before because he is making is mroe gentle, more beautiful and he would use it for his glory. From then on i decided to pray not for healing but that he would continue to make my voice more beautiful and that i would have the strength and the patience to wait untill it was ready to be given to me.

written: 30.06.2010

You answered my prayer Lord,
You responded to my request,
You listened to me longing heart.

It was not what I expected Lord,
So I did not see at first,
I thought I was suffering Lord,
But I know you are my teacher,
And now I am ready to learn.

I do not know how long this will last,
But my heart is open to receive from you.
My voice is yours Lord,
Keep it for as long as you require,
Whilst it is in your care make it more beautiful, more gentle, more angelic,
Give me patience Lord, to learn from this gift and to receive this blessing with a humble heart.

sacrifice in blessings

Four months ago i had a very bad throat infection and lost my voice, eventually the infection cleared but my voice did not return. This week the specialist told me its not coming back any time soon and i have to stop everything - work, church groups, phone calls pretty much anything that requires me to talk. I'm a singer and this is majorly important to me, its what i have to offer God, its what calms me when im stressed, its what i love to do and expresses who i am. While at Taize last week God told me why he had taken my voice, i had been praying for gentleness and he was using my voice to answer my prayer, he told me he would return it to me more beautiful and more gentle, he told me this was a gift he was giving me. Today in church the worship group i sing in were playing, and i began to get very upset because i could not join them. Over the last few months i've manged to keep hopeful regarding my voice - i know God will give it back to me, but after my doctors comments this week it all got a bit too much. I wondered how this could be a gift when it felt like a punishment. This is what he said back to me. As i said this was originally about my voice but after church (yes i wrote it when i should have been listening to my dad's sermon on prayer) it seemed to be for two of my friends also.

written 11.07.2010

This is not a punishment child,
i have not cursed you,
there is suffering and sacrifice in my blessings,
as there is suffering and sacrifce in grace,
And i my child have chosen to bless you.

There is suffering in grace my child,
there is sacrifice in salvation,
you seek to be more like me and i have responded to your call,
i refine you through the fire,
but the fire is at my hand and the fire shall not harm you.

If you want to receive my blessings you must allow me to prepare your heart,
so that you may revieve with a thankful and humble heart,
so that you might use this blessing to its full extent,
i am preparing you for a higher calling,
there may be blessings in brokenness but there is sacrifice in blessings,
endure the sacrifce and receive my blessing.

In you

I wrote this poem in Taize after my small group had been considering what it is to live ‘in’ Christ. We noted that there was a difference between living with Christ and living in Christ but we weren’t entirely sure what this meant. I wrote this prayer/poem in response to our desire, so that we might discover what it really means to live in Christ.

written: 01.07.2010

O Lord you bless me when I come to you,
You sooth me when I sit in your presence,
You delight in me and sing over me.
You are my restoration.
Lord may I be in your more.

May I learn to rest in you,
To delight in you,
To grow in you,
And to love in you.
May I take pride in you,
Respect in you, and discover in you.

Lord, may I eternally reside in you.

Eternity in the heart of man

Once again I sat in the meadow at the bottom of my road waiting for God to join me. Whilst reading Ecclesiastes I came upon this verse which seemed to release something within me, for many months I had been playing with the phrase ‘a taste of heaven’ desperate to turn it into a poem. There is great satisfaction when a phrase which has plagued you for so long is finally released from your heart. I wrote this whilst thinking of a group of young people I work with and how desperate I am for them to discover God so that they too may taste heaven. I’ve often thought about people I’ve met and been thankful that even though I may never again see them on earth I certainly will in heaven. I’ve also thought many times about the people close to me who I very much want to see in heaven but there are doubts as to whether I will, this is my plea to them.

written 11.05.2009

‘He has planted eternity in the human heart,’
Ecclesiastes 3:11

Eternity is within your heart.
If you would just keep looking I know you will find it.
I want you to have the same almighty power I have in my life.
I want you to have a reason to live and a hope in death.

God revealed his majesty to me,
I feel so privileged to have been chosen.
I pray for His revelation in your life,
Because I know he chooses you too.
I plead with you to ride this journey with us.
To fight against the evil and the darkness.
To stand for what is good and righteous.

I want you to know the peace that comes with a life embedded in him.
To taste heaven and know it’s attainable.
Eternity is within your grasp, just reach out and take it!
Treasure it always and fight to keep it.
I pray I will see you there,
We will stand in His glory,
Basking in the salvation we know is ours.

Until then eternity is waiting to be unlocked within you,
Waiting to seep into your very core,
To give you life and shield you from death.
Waiting to be discovered and released.

How do you know

This has got to be one of my favourite poems, it tells the story of a young girl who seeks the guidance of an older woman, she pours out the fears of her heart to this woman and she responds with Grace and comfort. The older woman takes on the role of a Titus 2 woman in training younger woman to love their husbands as God intends. The young girl asks the questions which all us women wonder at some point ‘how do you know if you’re in love?’ and ‘what if you miss it?’ I had been asked both these questions within a matter of days of each other and wrote this in response.

Here sits the young girl at the feet of a wise and respected woman,
She looks up and asks that question we all desire to voice but are fearful to ask,
‘is true love attainable?’

the elderly woman takes the hand of the younger girl,
she smiles and her eyes sparkle with the memories of her younger years and the knowledge of the love she discovered in the man who still makes her heart warm and her face alight.
‘My dear child’ she speaks,
‘Never underestimate the power of love,
this gift is God given and when properly maintained, will last forever’

then the fear that torments the young heart flows from her lips,
‘But how do you know when you’ve found it? What if it passes me by unrecognised?’

‘Sometimes’ she replies, ‘the heart just knows.’
The young girl’s disappointment shows upon her face, the fear still evident in her eyes.

‘the man you love’ speaks her elder,
‘is the man who makes your heart skip a beat when he reaches for your hand,
he makes you smile when your world is falling down around you, he holds you close when all you need is to be held.
The man you love is the man you find yourself telling all those things you’ve never told before. He’s the man who respects you, who makes you feel important and desired, who listens to your deepest thoughts and whose thoughts you desire to know.
He is the man who wont turn away, he’s the man your scared to enter the future with but know that together you will make it.’

She looks the girl in the eyes and lovingly strokes her cheek,
‘but dear girl, do not be fooled’
‘this man will not be easy to find, nor will he be easy to keep.
You will daily fight the hardships of life,
For love is the greatest gift of all but the hardest one to receive,
Sometimes you’ll cry a thousand tears, sometimes you’ll fear things won’t work out and sometimes you’ll feel like giving up.
But how you treat one another in these times determines how your love will grow.’

The girl of lesser years asks the question only with her eyes.
The warmth she receives from the woman she views with such esteem comforts her heart and tells her she has much to learn.
‘The greatest test of love is simple’
‘look for God within your relationship, if He’s not there the answer is clear, do not continue to fool yourself.
But if you see Him,
If you see him in your heart and the heart of the man stood before you, if you see the pattern of God within your lives and you see that it is He who holds you together,

She sighs,
‘Then my child, you know all you ever need to know.’

The young girl ponders this within her heart,
She knows that what her elder says is true,
Now each man she meets is put to this timeless test,
Only the one who passes this shall ever receive the gift of her heart.

The girl grows up,
And now she sits,
her hand caressing the hair of her young daughter sat upon her lap,
as she recites the tale of love given from the Fathers heart,
bestowed on her and the father of her child,
she feels every memory, every emotion, every tear as she retells the story which led her to behold this dear child.

Her daughter now older,
Sits at her feet,
Looks up to her mother,
And asks that one question her heart desires to know,
‘Mother, how did you know?
How did you know that daddy was he whom you’d love forever?’
‘My precious daughter’ she smiles,
‘sometimes you just know’.

The Lord is my strength

I wrote this poem this afternoon. It is written for a friend going through some hard times. I pray that it brings her comfort and the words of God will bless sooth her heart.

The walls around me tumble down,
A blow to my head and my heart with every brick that falls,
Trapped beneath the rubble,
Suffocating alone.

But your hand it reaches out to me,
You pull away the rocks and you clear the dust,
A crack of light shines in this ocean of darkness.
You call to me,
Willing me to take your hand,
Desperate to pull me out from this pit of destruction.

I hold out my hand,
But I can not reach,
‘A little further’ you call, ‘just a little further’,
I push away from the things that are strangling me and I grasp your hand,
‘A little tighter’ I hear you say,
‘A little tighter and I can pull you out’.

I squeeze your hand with all my might,
You kiss it, and place your other hand over mine,
Gently, ever so gently, but with a force I can not explain – you pull me out,
I stumble over the debris,
But I do not fall,
For your hand guides me to safety,
When I get tired and weary and I just can’t go on,
You whisper to me ‘Lean on me child, let me be your strength’

Together we walk,
With you I am not afraid,
For I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.